im confused

i dont understand what im doing wrong....
:(

1st poem ever

everytime i see you
i get a smile apon my face.
and every time i hold your hand,
i feel your gentle grace.
through your body language
the way you hold me tight
i always know
your going to be by my side.
through the good and the bad
the sad and happy times,
i couldnt ask for more
cause baby your just alright
i couldnt ask for more
cause youve given me enough,
and when im in your arms
i feel my cheek get brushed
i look up into those blue eyes
and think to myself
boy was i the lucky one
to get picked off the self.
weve been through so much,
and weve both made mistakes
but we have to preservere
and do what ever else it takes.
ive told you many times
over and over again.
that i love you and i will
untill the very end...
<3 rachel

So life has been pretty rough. I found out that my dad called my sister either last week or sometime before then. I dont know what for or why, but he called her. He never calls me. NEVER. I'm honestly so hurt. I dont know what to do anymore. I wish my dad would just call me and tell me he loved me. But there is a 100% chance he wont do that. There needs to be a law that say's you have to have a licenses to be a dad. Some dad's shouldn't even be aloud to be dads. People like my dad. Yeah he's funny and sota cool to be with but the way he handles things and treats people expecially his kids. It's uncalled for. He's never been in my life. He just walked out on me. :'( I dream sometimes about him. abou how happy I would be if he just called me every now and then. Cause I dont know what to do anymore. :'( im lonely, im hurt, and I dont feel loved. I guess its just another person that has walked out of my life. Seems like everytime I want to get close to someone or are close to them they just walk away. and not look back Ive had about 4 people do that to me. Not saying any names. I'm tired of being hurt. People think my life is so easy and that I got it good. Well, thats half way right. I'm in better condtions physically and i got a roof over my head and clothes on my back and front ;) and food in my house. But emotionally im a wreck. I dont have a decent family. I dont have a loving father someone who is always supposssed to be there for me a romodel, soemone who I can go and talk to and cry in my protecters arms. but I guess thats why they make boyfriends. there very useful ;) for people like me and dont consider there dad a dad to them, they have there friends, guy friends manily, (and those are the people I talk to about evrything. my guy friends. i feel safe. from evrythign. cause i know they always got my back) and my very loving and kind boyfriend. i love him with all my heart. He has seen a side of me i dont like people seeing and that is me crying. and he just held me. i loved it cause i knew i was in the right place at the right time and i new nothing else mattered. my dad is just so stuck up and thinks of only himself. guess thats just how some people are. I wish i could express my feelings to him but i can't. well i probably could but im scared to. Just wish i had a dad....

worst day

Kenney is gone. He's really gone. I saw him this morning before he left. He told me to come out to the back parking lot before school started. he was sitting in his truck. We hung out in his truck for about an hour. Then he said he had some bad news to tell me. It was that he leaves for calaforina today. and he gets deployed in 2 weeks. :( i started to cry. i havent stopped crying all day. he is like my big brother hes always been there for me though everything. ive known him since codie and i dated. hes actually best friends with codie. and he is now my best friend ever / big brother. i dont want him to go. and on top of all that i got my dad on my mind. this is awesome. Life isnt so well at the moment. i just dont wana anything to happen to him. it scares me knowing hes going there. and idk what i would do if he got hurt or died or anything happend to kenney. if i had to pick a best guy friend in the whole wide world it woud be kenney weve through so much together and hes leaving me. again... why is it that the people i love the most something bad happens with or between us or they leave me. :'( idk what to do.

I love you. That's all that matter's anymore. I am determined to make this better than last time. It will not be bad, sad, or an unhappy relationship. I'm am trying my best that's all I can say. I'm changing some things about me but there all fixing thing's. I'm going to do what ever it takes to make thing's work this time, cause I love you with all my heart. Never fallen so fast. Never want to stop being with you. This feeling is so crazy. I see you when you walk into the room and I still get butterflies. It's like do I look at you and smile or do I sit here and wait for you to approach me. Idk why I am like this with you. Your different. I have different feelings with you then I've had with other guys. Your very comforting. Have a beautiful voice. Always stick up for me. Listens to me when I need someone to talk to. I dont just say I love you outta habit, I say it cause I mean it and that I dont want to lose you. All I want to do is just get closer to you, and be the best I can be for you. Make you happy and smile and make you laugh when your down. Your pretty much everything I've been looking for. Yes, we have our rough times. A lot, but we never stay mad at each other for long. Our love for each other is stronger than that. When I'm sad, I read the journal you gave my on Valentines Day. I think about all the inside jokes we have, and all the good times we've had so far. Hopefully many more to come. Your just so sweet, an amazing. Even if we dont last, you better always be a part of my life. Always. But were taking it one day at a time, and will face every obstical that comes in our way. Both of us put together is the strongest thing and reliaty wont be able to face us if we just stick together. I love you. and you will always have a place in my heart.

WHY? :/

Why cant you be there for me like your supposed to be?

Why don't you call me since we don't see each other every day like I do my mom.

Why did you tell me I'm wasn't your favorite?

Why do you act like you don't want me?

Why won't you tell me you love me?

Why do I have to constantly act like something I'm not just to impress you?

Why cant you except me for who I am?

Why wont you just tell me you want me over on the weekend's instead of say come over when you want to?

Why can't you be honest with me?

Why were you never at those band concerts when I was in middle school that you said you would come to?

Are you ignoring me?

Do you not like me?

What do I have to do to get your attention?

Why am I afraid to talk to you?

Is it because I'm afraid of you?

Afraid your going to yell and scream and cuss at me like you did when I was little?

I wish I could just confront you and sit down and have a normal conversation with you.

I cant be like my sister. I'm not as smart or as fast to getting jokes as she is. I'm not your favorite like she is. I'm not a people pleas er like she is, I'm not anything like my sister, why can't you just except that. no one can ever make you happy, you barley talk to me even when I do come over. I love you but it seems like you don't care. I give up. I've written letters, recorded myself on a recorder and sent it to you, I've even tried calling you and you never answer and I leave voice mails you never call back, I've tried texting you, you never text back....

IT FEELS LIKE I'M NOT EVEN YOUR DAUGHTER.

You treat your step daughters more like your daughters then you treat me and i am your daughter. It feels like you care more about them then you do me. I bet you I could just disappear and you wouldn't even notice.

WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME AND DEANNA?

we were only in second and third grade, you were only thinking about yourself, you didn't care about me or her. your selfish, mean, jerk, dont care about anyone but yourself. you hurt my mom, me and my sister. i now know what not to look for in a guy!

I HATE YOU! :(