isnt all about you.

I think its funny that he thinks I NEED him in my life. When fact is I don't NEED him at all. WE are nothing now. Why can't he get the hint. I've been perfectly fine ever since 2 years ago when we broke up. It's funny, if I NEEDED him, I would be with him, but since I don't need him I'm not with him. He's IMMATURE, BOSSY, NEEDY, CLINGY, RUDE, NOT CARING, SELFISH, NOT UNDERSTANDING, AND NOT A CHRISTIAN. All the things I don't like. HMMM, Why did I ever date him? Cause he acts like such a great person before you date him then he turns out to be a total BUTT HEAD! BAHA. Those days are over. AustaLavista Baby! ;)

New Life= New friends, New things to do, New people to be with.

Old Life= You being controlling, selfish and eveyrthing else I already explained.

hmmm, it's not that hard of a decision. I choose new life. :D
and I'm starting this thing out right. :D

Great.

Life= pretty good.
(:

moving on

youve made your decision. you screwed up 8 months for a girl you just met. good luck. you cant have us both. i will not stand for it. it wrong when you say you love me but like this other girl. not what love it. hope you have made the right decision cause im gone. this was all a big mistake. every bit of it. 8 months down the drain. and i have no more tears to cry. dont come crying to me wanting me back. this is your fault. not mine. you did this not me. HAPPY? hope so. cause you got me out of your life.

3 weeks. of venting to do

its been almost 4 weeks now that we have been broken up. you still ahvent given me an answer on wweather or not were going to date again. your keeping me waiting. you wont talk to me. you say your with you friends. alll he time. thats not being bussy thats straight up not wanting to talk to me. your not who you used to be. LOOK IN THE MIRROR!!! your not the man of my dreams anymore. im so torn apart, you already like another girl but none of your feelings are lost for me. when you love someone i mean truley love someone like i love YOU you dont look at anyone else. you dont think about anyone else. like anyone else. your heart and soul is given to that one person( besides god) your not the boy i used to know. idk what it is but college is getting to you. you think your a big boy now, face the facts you wont be a big boy untill you face the facst that you have changed! get that right. wy would i ever want you if this is the man your going to be. cause i love you, im willing to wait as long as you need but dont tell me you want to be really close friends and then ignore my texts phone calls. and everything else. its wrong. when im crying and i need someone to talk to your suppossed to be there. but are you? NO your not. what happened to" ill always be there for you no matter what happenes yo us" and" even thought were broken up i dont want you to stop venting to me and letting me into your life" guess what your doing all that to yourself. YOU are. im fed up with this nonsense. you want me or not. you want the new girl or not. you love me but you want to let me go. choose. i cant take the stress and neither can you. do us both a favor and live up to your promises you made me, and more important that you made to US! im so hurt. you broke up with me over nothing. sriously. i laugh at that honestly. HA. ive been miserable. for 3 weeks now. why cant you see that! we need to talk and you know it. your just afraid to hear what i have to say. you say your a man now just because your "18" then stop running away from me and everything that has been going on and face the facts that what is going on isnt good. i dont want to move on. I WANT YOU AND ONLY YOU. NO ONE ELSE. I LOVE YOU AND ONLY YOU. NO ONE ELSE. WHY DONT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT. do me a favor for once. stop thinking about yourself like you have these past 3 weeks and think about how your treating me. look in the mirror. youll see what im talking about...

wow i feel better. venting helps. now if he could only understand what he is putting me through.

feeling alone

i feel alone. hes only been gone for barley 24 hours.
and its just untill saturday.
if its this hard i cant imagine how its going to be when he leaves for ever.
i feel like my whole world is ending.
this is so hard. i miss him so much... :(
i dont know how im going to do this with out you when you leave...
:'( :'( :'(

life

hard, stressful, emotional:physically and emotionally. BUT also enjoyable, happy, Mysterious, Enjoyable, Lovable. and os many more words.

Life is only what we make of it. we make up what are life is going to be like. with the decisions that we make and the paths that we take.
we just have to choose the right path. sometimes those paths are bad and some are good.

fromHERE ON OUT. every decision i make is going to be good. these are the changes i am going to improve on:
getting closer to god.
opening up more.
not letting my emotions getting in to way
to LET THINGS GO
learn not to let the little things bother me
be a better person
make the right decisions on who i hang out with and what i do with those people
and more.
the summer of 2010 starts here and now. things are going to change, for the good.

one question always leads to another

u think of one question, it always leads to another, and then another, and then another.
sometimes there good questions, and sometimes there bad. my questions have been bad.
im stuck. im physically and emotionally drained. i feel week in everyway possible. my head throbs when every i try to figure out things or even people. i like knowing everything, but how do i and can i know eveyrthing when i feel people or just someone is hiding something from me. somthings in life i will not understand. some things i dont want to understand.... but my questions will stay remain the same. why did you do it? am i not good enough? what did i do to deserve this? what does this mean? what was going threw your head? have you done it anymore? will you ever do it again? and the biggest one, why do i continuley get hurt? but there are other questions. those are just some random ones. that gives examples of bad questions i am thinking about lately.
i HATE thinking abot these ones but they just keep on coming. its never a good thing. i try so much to stay postive. i give it everything i got. i think to my self we will make it. i will make it. eveyrthing is going to be fine. and others. but it just doesnt work anymore. untill the feeling of people or a person hiding things away from me is gone. the questions are the same. no matter how hard i try. they wont go away.

poem

as i lay my head down on my pillow i think as the tears run down my cheek, why this always has to happen. We fight non-stop. and ive about had enough. its all building up, and i dont know what to do anymore. you've torn my heart out once but theen fixed it back together. will it get torn apart again?how much longer will the pain for the one incedient be here. cause with that and everything else on top of me, it all adds up, and it ends in disaster. i think to myself why am i still with you. Its cause i LOVE you. i CARE for you. and i WANT you and ONLY you. no matter how many fights we get into, i know we can make it through. well hopefully we can make it. I dont knwo what god has in store for me, or even for us. its a journey im going to have to take and things im going to have to risk. im scared. very scared. and i dont know what to do. im tired of the pain, of the tears, and everything. i tired. im done. im done fighting. i refuse to put up with it. and most of all im done crying. ive shed to many tears. one to many, and i dont have any left. i pray we get better, at this whole relationship thing. i pray so bad we do. it hurts to see us fight. but it seems nothing ever helps anymore...

been a while

its been a while since ive been on this, so i thought i would just go ahead and up date it. :)
recently my knee had been hurt. i went to the doctor, they said i either had one of two things something i dont know how to pronounce or it my minscus. if its the first thing i get to injections into my knee to see if it will calm down the imflamtion in my knee, if its that doesnt work then its the second thing i mentioned. and they will have to go into my knee surgecially, and scoope off some of my minicus in my knee. i got my MRI on friday the results came back today, or were suppossed to atleats. now my other doctors appointment is on thursday to show me the results and to tell me what im going to have to do with my knee. exciting? i like not. lol
life has been stressfull other than my knee, im going through a lot with my life, my knee, my relationship with GOD, blake, and some of my friends. im trying to keep my grades up while juggling all this crap and its very hard. i wish summer would just start so i can be on my spirtual high for a while and hopefully it will carry on into the school year. I pray everyday that ill make it through everything and on to the next day. i feel like im getting torn apart in various ways physically and emotionally. life is just hard right now. very hard. and i need help. i guess all i can really do is pray and hope god will lead me in the direction that is chosen best for me.

trusting people

This is why i dont like trusting people u just get stabbed in the back over and over again. my life is totally going down hill and i dont like it. i cant trust my friends. they all have stabbed me in the back. and i dont appricate it. either theyve done something or said something to someone else. they've flirted with my bf right in front of me. they lie and say rude stuff. or anything really. thats not what best friends mean. i dont know who to trust anymore. with anything. you cant talk to someone with out them going off and telling other people. or anything. im so frustrated.... :( and on top of this i have to wear my knee brace again. i have tendinitis and jumpers knee. AWESOME life is just great!!!

today :)

today i am babysitting my step dads sisters kids. untill 430. then im going to the church at 515 right after i get done baby sistting ofr the singing group party. it should be loads of fun:) im excited. after the singing group party i am to go to kaylas house to stay the night. sunday we will wake up at 630!!!!! and have to be at the church at 745. thats really early but heyy i think kayla and i can do it:) lol after church on sunday im taking blake to ocharles, or if he decides annywhere else we will go there. well i mean hes taking us there but im paying :) my idea:) afterward we will do what ever he had planned. im really excited. this should be a great weekend. 

yesturday i skipped school. normans idea. :) 

norman and i went down to the boat, and worked on a couple what was suppossed to be a hour work on project turned into an all day project, we had an axcident. LOL he didnt close the paint can good enough the last time he used it and when i went to shake it it went EVERYWHERE!!! on me, on the boat i mean everywhere!!!! it was horribl we spent about 2 hour most cleaning everthing up. i still have paint on me! its crazy! but then we worked for about 2and a half more hours and then went home. CRAZY DAY! but very fun. :) 

YAY

so blake is finally home, pretty excited about that, and we hung out all day yesturday and were going to be hanging out today. so today should be great as well:)
my best friend in the whole wide world is back. :) KAYLA and were hanging out tonight, so today should be freaking amazing, LIFE is amazing:) im in such a good mood idk why i just woke up and told my self today will be a good day, no fighting with my parents my sister, blake, or kayla.
and yea it was so sad kayla and i got into our very first fight. :(were good now though :) very happy about that! just in all everything is just peachy, and i cant thank god enough for that :)
THANKS!:)

but if i could ask a favor from yall, pray for me and my dad, were doing nothing but getting worse and im getting more hurt, hes taking deanna shooting today and i wasnt even invited.
when it comes to my dad he only really cares about my sister. and if he does care about me he doesnt show it AT ALL. so please do that.
thank you:)

bad feelings

i hate it when you have a bad feeling and you know its comming but you dont want it to happen so you try and do eveyrthing you can to stop that bad feeling from comming but what ever you do to try and stop it the bad feeling over comes it. it just consumes all of your hard work, everything. i HATE that feeling. ive had it so much lately. IDK what the feeling is for or anything all i know is when something bad is about to happen to me i get away from the situation. cause thats what ive been doing all my life, running away from my problems and my feelings. ive figured out the more i try and express my feelings to someone the more hurt i get. the outcome is bad, the expressing me feelings was for nothing cause the person wasnt even listening, or the situation gets turned around on me some how. so i give up. i just agree with everything that person is saying and its all my fault. thats basically what it boils down too. i feel like im tea boiling on a hot stove but if you leave it on the stove to long it boils over and just gives up on staying inside the tea pitcher. thats how i am. ive held things in side of me to long ive just given up and boiled over. ive said screw it, and just poured my heart out, and when i do it all back fires on me. i dont understand. why does life have so many complications. with out complications life would be so much easier. but no, it has to have stupid fights and war, and other messed up things. but when they all begin to add up in the end. your just DONE! you give up completly and what comes at you hits you hard cause u dont even want to try and fix eveyrthing with anything. lets say you and your mom or your parents have been fighting all......... week. you finally get to the point where your tired of it you just take the blame for eveyrthing even though half of the crap that happenes isnt even YOUR FAULT. so u take it cause its so much easier. cause if you try to explain your feelings to your parents, they blow up. So all these bad feelings I have ive been running away from them, but im done running away, what ever happenes, it just happenes. cause evedently expressing your feelings doesnt work out. (unless you can find someone who will just listen, and shut there mouth untill your down talking, and then give you advice about your situation and not turn eveyrthing around on you.) running away.. doesnt fix things.

im confused

i dont understand what im doing wrong....
:(

1st poem ever

everytime i see you
i get a smile apon my face.
and every time i hold your hand,
i feel your gentle grace.
through your body language
the way you hold me tight
i always know
your going to be by my side.
through the good and the bad
the sad and happy times,
i couldnt ask for more
cause baby your just alright
i couldnt ask for more
cause youve given me enough,
and when im in your arms
i feel my cheek get brushed
i look up into those blue eyes
and think to myself
boy was i the lucky one
to get picked off the self.
weve been through so much,
and weve both made mistakes
but we have to preservere
and do what ever else it takes.
ive told you many times
over and over again.
that i love you and i will
untill the very end...
<3 rachel

So life has been pretty rough. I found out that my dad called my sister either last week or sometime before then. I dont know what for or why, but he called her. He never calls me. NEVER. I'm honestly so hurt. I dont know what to do anymore. I wish my dad would just call me and tell me he loved me. But there is a 100% chance he wont do that. There needs to be a law that say's you have to have a licenses to be a dad. Some dad's shouldn't even be aloud to be dads. People like my dad. Yeah he's funny and sota cool to be with but the way he handles things and treats people expecially his kids. It's uncalled for. He's never been in my life. He just walked out on me. :'( I dream sometimes about him. abou how happy I would be if he just called me every now and then. Cause I dont know what to do anymore. :'( im lonely, im hurt, and I dont feel loved. I guess its just another person that has walked out of my life. Seems like everytime I want to get close to someone or are close to them they just walk away. and not look back Ive had about 4 people do that to me. Not saying any names. I'm tired of being hurt. People think my life is so easy and that I got it good. Well, thats half way right. I'm in better condtions physically and i got a roof over my head and clothes on my back and front ;) and food in my house. But emotionally im a wreck. I dont have a decent family. I dont have a loving father someone who is always supposssed to be there for me a romodel, soemone who I can go and talk to and cry in my protecters arms. but I guess thats why they make boyfriends. there very useful ;) for people like me and dont consider there dad a dad to them, they have there friends, guy friends manily, (and those are the people I talk to about evrything. my guy friends. i feel safe. from evrythign. cause i know they always got my back) and my very loving and kind boyfriend. i love him with all my heart. He has seen a side of me i dont like people seeing and that is me crying. and he just held me. i loved it cause i knew i was in the right place at the right time and i new nothing else mattered. my dad is just so stuck up and thinks of only himself. guess thats just how some people are. I wish i could express my feelings to him but i can't. well i probably could but im scared to. Just wish i had a dad....

worst day

Kenney is gone. He's really gone. I saw him this morning before he left. He told me to come out to the back parking lot before school started. he was sitting in his truck. We hung out in his truck for about an hour. Then he said he had some bad news to tell me. It was that he leaves for calaforina today. and he gets deployed in 2 weeks. :( i started to cry. i havent stopped crying all day. he is like my big brother hes always been there for me though everything. ive known him since codie and i dated. hes actually best friends with codie. and he is now my best friend ever / big brother. i dont want him to go. and on top of all that i got my dad on my mind. this is awesome. Life isnt so well at the moment. i just dont wana anything to happen to him. it scares me knowing hes going there. and idk what i would do if he got hurt or died or anything happend to kenney. if i had to pick a best guy friend in the whole wide world it woud be kenney weve through so much together and hes leaving me. again... why is it that the people i love the most something bad happens with or between us or they leave me. :'( idk what to do.

I love you. That's all that matter's anymore. I am determined to make this better than last time. It will not be bad, sad, or an unhappy relationship. I'm am trying my best that's all I can say. I'm changing some things about me but there all fixing thing's. I'm going to do what ever it takes to make thing's work this time, cause I love you with all my heart. Never fallen so fast. Never want to stop being with you. This feeling is so crazy. I see you when you walk into the room and I still get butterflies. It's like do I look at you and smile or do I sit here and wait for you to approach me. Idk why I am like this with you. Your different. I have different feelings with you then I've had with other guys. Your very comforting. Have a beautiful voice. Always stick up for me. Listens to me when I need someone to talk to. I dont just say I love you outta habit, I say it cause I mean it and that I dont want to lose you. All I want to do is just get closer to you, and be the best I can be for you. Make you happy and smile and make you laugh when your down. Your pretty much everything I've been looking for. Yes, we have our rough times. A lot, but we never stay mad at each other for long. Our love for each other is stronger than that. When I'm sad, I read the journal you gave my on Valentines Day. I think about all the inside jokes we have, and all the good times we've had so far. Hopefully many more to come. Your just so sweet, an amazing. Even if we dont last, you better always be a part of my life. Always. But were taking it one day at a time, and will face every obstical that comes in our way. Both of us put together is the strongest thing and reliaty wont be able to face us if we just stick together. I love you. and you will always have a place in my heart.

WHY? :/

Why cant you be there for me like your supposed to be?

Why don't you call me since we don't see each other every day like I do my mom.

Why did you tell me I'm wasn't your favorite?

Why do you act like you don't want me?

Why won't you tell me you love me?

Why do I have to constantly act like something I'm not just to impress you?

Why cant you except me for who I am?

Why wont you just tell me you want me over on the weekend's instead of say come over when you want to?

Why can't you be honest with me?

Why were you never at those band concerts when I was in middle school that you said you would come to?

Are you ignoring me?

Do you not like me?

What do I have to do to get your attention?

Why am I afraid to talk to you?

Is it because I'm afraid of you?

Afraid your going to yell and scream and cuss at me like you did when I was little?

I wish I could just confront you and sit down and have a normal conversation with you.

I cant be like my sister. I'm not as smart or as fast to getting jokes as she is. I'm not your favorite like she is. I'm not a people pleas er like she is, I'm not anything like my sister, why can't you just except that. no one can ever make you happy, you barley talk to me even when I do come over. I love you but it seems like you don't care. I give up. I've written letters, recorded myself on a recorder and sent it to you, I've even tried calling you and you never answer and I leave voice mails you never call back, I've tried texting you, you never text back....

IT FEELS LIKE I'M NOT EVEN YOUR DAUGHTER.

You treat your step daughters more like your daughters then you treat me and i am your daughter. It feels like you care more about them then you do me. I bet you I could just disappear and you wouldn't even notice.

WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME AND DEANNA?

we were only in second and third grade, you were only thinking about yourself, you didn't care about me or her. your selfish, mean, jerk, dont care about anyone but yourself. you hurt my mom, me and my sister. i now know what not to look for in a guy!

I HATE YOU! :(

breaks

i honestly dont understand why people take breaks when they have something good. yea you fight, so what! love is a very strong word! people mis use it way to much. love is a feeling and emotion. love is so much more. when you love someone you stick with that person through everything thick and thin, no matter whats going on in your life, there life, or even the relationship, you will find a way to work things out during the toughest times! breaks make me so mad. they really do. i dont understand them. honestly.there a waist of time. i know im only 15 and parents say your to young to know what love really is. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT REALLY IS. unless you want a scientific deffention, it just an opinion and you say whats on your heart. I honestly believe this. and its only your opinion that matters. dont listen to the people who say"your to young to know what love really is." really just be quiet. i bet they were the same way when they were our age. thats what i dont get. I no what love is, cause its my opinion. and no one elses. so i think if you love someone please just stick with them, try and work out everything. then after you have tried everything posssible then do what your heart tells you to do. cause when you lose someone you love, it hurts...

hmmm...

I know now one gets on here except for Sean and Hallah, so maybe yall can help me out???So my day has been everywhere. I went to meet Codie cause he said he wanted to talk. Turns out he was trying to get me back. I was not in the best of moods to begin with so that just made my day worse. He sarted getting up in my face, telling me to stop ignoring is phone calles(after he calls 45 times exactly no exzageration there! I counted!) and to take him back and to stop acting like an butt, I told him NO. He started walking away, he heard me say Wow this is stupid, he comes marcing back with hands in the air like hes about to hit me, and get right up on me, and yells at me. I was scared... I seriously thought he was going to hit me, I was shaking so bad, I got my stuff and hurried out the door, and followed me and blocked my way, and then he started calming down and finally apologized for the way he acted. He doesnt understand that im not going back out with him, ever... even after that. He even tried getting me back when I was dating Blake, he called me over and over and over again even while I would be on the phone with Blake. I know for a fact ive made the right decision cause I know I CAN survive with out Codie! Its like everytime I finally start liking a guy and start dating him he has to interfear with my rellationship and try to get me back, and thats why I always cam home in a bad mood.. and I blow up on people and I ignore people.. cause im afraid I might blow up on them. I told him these exact words"Codie, were not going to date, I come home in a bad mood everydayfrom school. I want move on and live my life with whom I want to live it with? We are only friends from here on out. and if you dont wanna be that then im sorry idk what I can do.I dont love you anymore. Im sorry, its time for you and I both to move on.." he got mad and walked off. Did I do the right thing? yes! I did. but should I even keep him as a friend. cause I dont need friends like that either.. and I dont need th drama in my life. im trying to make better choices on who I hang with and so on people who will infulence me to be a better christian, and live my life the right way, im tired of my life being controlled by this maniack!
whats the best thing to do..???

everything happens for a reason...

thank you for all the advice sean and hallah. im so glad i know i have people to talk to. my life has been pretty rough and im hoping it will all smooth out very soon. i hate being in bad moods. thank you for always being there for me. my week has started out pretty rough but whats been happening im going to now put behind me. i have made a lot of mistakes. little and big, but those are behind me. starting now. eveyrthing happens for a reason. and everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason.. im guessing. ill make the best of it. ive turned down the wrong paths, ive made some wrong choices that will effect my life, and ive lost some of the ones i love. but like i said everything happens for a reason and god im sure has an amazing plan for what im going to do with my life, who ill date..., and anything else. i love each and everyone of yall with all my heart and soul.

randomness

I dont know what to call this one. Im just writing what ever comes to my head. I miss a lot of stuff from the past, and I want to forget a lot of stuff from it also. I dont understand a lot of things, and I dont make the wisest or the right decisions either. Ive made many mistakes, some I wish with all my heart that u could go back and change them. Im confused about a lot of stuff and I wish I had more answers to all my questions. Sometimes I wish life was a fairy tale. happy endings always. but life isnt a fairy tale this is reality. Sometimes there are happy endings but sometimes there arent. Life is such a mystery and I can never figure out the answers. I hate mysterys. I hate when I cant figure out things. There so annoying. blahh. Im on the phone with Blake and he doesnt even believe im listening to him, Cause im typing this and talking to him at the same time. ehh. what ever... :P Hes a dork. anyways. So I wished on a star tonight.i wish i could tell everyone what it is but i cant or else it wont come true. I hate nosey people. I hate conceded people. Well hate is a very string word. I dont like them very much thats better. well thats it for now :) byee